


i’m not coming sunday (it’s alright, i’ll probably talk to you at midnight)

by bitterwholesomegay (softfloralbro)



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: Christianity, M/M, Mormonism, exploring religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 19:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19341178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softfloralbro/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: Sebastian explores what non-mormon spirituality and religion might look like for him.





	i’m not coming sunday (it’s alright, i’ll probably talk to you at midnight)

**Author's Note:**

> otherwise known as: one queer exmormon has finally found their fandom niche
> 
> tw for descriptions of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, and church-related guilt (but also it’s not all sad, i swear)
> 
> title, as per usual, from tyler glenn - this time from his song Midnight

Sebastian doesn’t stop going to church right away. He’s wracked with guilt every time he does go, and trying to figure out if he’s worthy of taking the sacrament when he’s sinning but has no intention of stopping is a  _ nightmare _ , but he still goes. 

 

(The first time he goes and doesn’t take the sacrament, he ends up dry-heaving in the men’s room. He misses all of the talks and slinks back in and sits on the back pew during the last verse of the closing hymn. After the closing prayer, he gets up, grabs his scriptures from where he left them, and bolts. He doesn’t stay for the rest of the block.)

 

The first general conference he doesn’t watch, he spends the whole weekend in bed crying. Tanner tries to get him to go out with him and let himself have fun and be distracted, tries to get him to the kitchen to eat some soup when the ‘going out’ plan clearly isn’t gonna happen, and then eventually brings the soup to him in bed. Sebastian ignores Tanner and his admittedly good-smelling soup, and Tanner leaves it on his nightstand for when he’s ready for it. 

 

After Sebastian continues to not get out of bed for a week after, Tanner convinces him to go see a therapist. Tanner recognizes a depression spiral when he sees one, and while Sebastian refused to admit it, church was giving him literal panic attacks. 

 

Sebastian gets into see a local counselor who specializes in the intersection of faith and LGBTQ identities. His counselor helps him identify what he gets from church and what things he might be able to find at other non-mormon churches. He’s initially very resistant to the idea of investigating other churches, but one night when the guilt insomnia keeps him awake, he googles “lgbt-friendly churches near me”, and is on gaychurch.org until daylight starts creeping through his window.

 

While he’s not ready to go to a service anytime soon, he did make note of the ones that sounded interesting. He thinks about the list he made often and several times he visits websites of some of the churches he found. Eventually he decides that he wants to visit one or two of the churches whose websites he keeps returning to.

 

When he tells this to Tanner, he’s not expecting anything, but Tanner immediately volunteers to go with him. Sebastian hadn’t thought Tanner would really want to, since he’s not really religious himself, but Tanner insists, saying he wants to be there for moral support. Sebastian is honestly really touched, and it means a lot that Tanner would want to be there for him like that.

 

It takes him a couple Sundays to build up to it, but when he finally does, he gets to the steps of the church, annnnnnnnnnnd nearly runs away. Would have, if Tanner didn’t stop him and talk him through his panic. 

 

When they do go in, they sit unassumingly near the back, providing Sebastian an easy exit, if he needs one.

 

It turns out that he doesn’t.

 

The sermon is about love—loving one another, God’s love for all his children, and how love should never be linked with shame. The minister makes mention of her wife, and Sebastian cries. Tanner looks a little worried, but Sebastian makes no move for the door, so he assumes they were good tears, and keeps listening to the sermon.

 

Afterwards, Sebastian kind of wants to go thank the minister for what she said, but is also absolutely terrified of doing that, so he and Tanner go home instead of staying to mingle. After they get home, Sebastian texts Emily. She knew he was going to check out a new church today and asks him how it was. He talks about how he felt the spirit in a way that he hadn’t in a long time at church.

 

He doesn’t know what this means for a long time after. He goes to a couple different churches with Tanner and texts Emily about all of them. He goes back to the first one a few times. All he really knows is he feels God’s love more than he has in years.


End file.
